i knew something once
it didn’t do me any good
knew
past
here
we are now
retracing steps
looking for the how
can’t unsee
but
we will forget
once
my grasp felt secure
sure i’d never lose it
but in the way of thoughts
it is not i
who gets to choose it
i try to get it
where there is nothing
at all
to get
frustration
replacing curiosity
emotions give way
to regret
knee jerk
guilt trip
so who is to blame?
maybe the idea of should
maybe inherent shame
the thoughts we imagine
as grand pillars
holding up structures
are actually
wheatgrass
blowing along with
whispering wind
the thoughts
we imagine
to be the life boat
are the currents
pulling us in.

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AINT/FOOLIN/NO/BODY

keep your classifications to yourself
i want no category
no easily boiled down phrase to point at and call me
i am vast
i am contradictions
i am calm
i am storms
i am unity
i am love
i am formless
a simple essence
a child fascinated
with a label maker
typing toaster
printing the sticker
giggling as you press it on
the toaster
it toasts
it makes sense
i dance
i write
i cry
i hurt
i breathe in
i breathe out
i am human
alive
labeling
something
with so many
multitudes
possibilities
only serves to diminish it
everyone wants to
draw all the lines
create all the files
neatly organized
in the filing cabinet
because then they can feel like they belong
nestled in their
proper folder
making claims
wearing clothes
presenting themselves
as an image to be consumed
here i am, they say
i am x y and z
don’t question
the validity
of this self
i’ve so desperately latched on to
cultivated
curated
created
yes now the internet thinks
that is you
so now
who are you, really?

hardtoswallow

toast with no spread
vitamins
chalky composition
a drought
i can put you in the idea
for fun
i’m choking
as if cement
was poured down
my throat
i’m usually the cement
hard to swallow
i’d think
that to be funny
had i not already
become very aware
that this was not
a laughing matter
two pounds of sugar
to a ton of concrete
makes it useless
but what about sorrow
what renders that useless
or have it no kryptonite?
keep forcing my throat
to avoid asphyxiation
it is running
jumping into it’s lap
so how about
i stick my finger
down my throat
if i can’t force it down
i’ll have to force it out
then maybe i won’t have to explain
what i’m talking abou

maybe it’s because he’s too busy for me

when i was in kindergarten
i thought eminem was
my dad
it’s because
mine wasn’t present
he looked like my dad
to me, anyway
that’s because
no one tells
the child
anything
the child
is left to make
all of the assumptions
the child
sees
hears
feels
draws conclusions
the same way
i took crayons
to fucking coloring books
writing in the creases
asking
why
why
why
so when slim shady
was rapping about
his daughter hailey
i thought maybe
he just forgot
about the b
the same way
he forgot about me

everyone has their demons

do you
expose
exorcise
or
exercise
them?
weights, treadmills
bigger faster stronger
are you holding up
your trembling hands
grasping a vile of
holy water
asking them
to be gone
do you take all of the
corroded parts of you
demolish them
detoxification
to be cleansed
clean clean clean
get rid of the demons
so things can be clean
i never asked my demons
to leave
nor did i give them a
free gym membership
or really even
the time to breathe
i didn’t bother
picking through the wreckage
of the broken bits of
existence
that collected
that weird slot
in the dryer
you forget about
that catches lint
i know better
than to think
my grit and grime
are the composition
of what is trying to
k i l l m e
i sat with my demons once
as i’ve discussed
before
we sat at a table fit for jesus and
his last dinner with his friends
what a twist
my table is void
of a friend
i surprised them
with blades
secure
tight
right across
the jugular
for as long as
i can remember
still
my touch remains tender

convenient

quite the joke
as the spelling of that
has always eluded me
i’ve left any piece of technology
used to type
the task of
discerning wether or not
it’s been constructed
in the
correct fashion
the convenience
of a person like me
is
it’s an easy out
for a person like you
me
the one who
speaks out
against
up
slap a target on my back
slap antlers on my head
call it hunting season
reactive
pegged to be
the problem
the problem was you
my reaction was
in direct correlation
to your
bitch
ass

too calloused for your
bitch taste?
thank you, earl

i slammed on my brakes
you barreled into me
following too close
you said
i stopped too
abruptly
i suppose
but there was a child in the road
pin the tail on the
donkey
pin the blame on the
baylee
oh how convenient
the pond
does not ripple
on it’s own
in order to ripple
a rock must be thrown

i’m soft
so i’m a scapegoat
you think i’ll just
nod and believe
i’m the problem
well that’s dirty
exploiting insecurity
so paint me
evil
paint me
bad
paint me
poison
paint me
as the one
who was the problem
all along
paint me in a way
that your sleep will
come easier
hang me in your living room
find solace in
the monster
you’ve painted me to be
i’d paint over your mirrors
if i were you though
that’s the only monster
that is here to see

here it is again
you are a vial of poison
somehow offended
when i spit you out
something you
refuse to spit out
is my name
it continues to
have a home in your mouth
i could rip your teeth out for you
make room for it
paint me as the villain
the bad guy
you’ll have so many paintings of me
your house will be full
interesting how
everyone claims to hate monsters
yet you keep on painting me

it’ll distract you
from your reflection
for a while
as all you do
is stare at me
but the moment
you turn back
to the mirror
you’ll see exactly
what you’ve always
been afraid to see
make me the paintings on your walls
the shows you watch at night
i am floating above
you
pickled in spite

letting the phone ring
is my reminder
ibelongtonothing
and
for you
it’s a reminder
when it hits my voicemail
once
twice
three times
i leave as an echo
you grasp on to the waves of sound
fool me once
shame on no one
we are all human here
it’s just that
if you slam my screen door
you sure as fuck
will not grasp the handle
to open it
to my open arms
you’ll reach for the knob
jiggle it around for a spell
just to find it locked
you knock
i laugh
you ask
is anyone home
no one answers you
but i am home
i am home in my heart
in my body, in my soul
i’ll let my phone ring to remind you
the type of person you found
upon stumbling across me
is one who
will smile
as you curse my name
i will laugh
when you claim
you don’t need me
once you walk out the door
i am the type
to fasten the dead bolt
forcing you to stand out
in the cold
your loss, baby
if you think i’m quivering
just know i didn’t even flinch